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Coming up for Air

September 8th, 2019 at 07:00 am

I was going to say something like, "Things have been going along pretty well," but then that seems silly because they are not well at all. I think I've just reached a point of relativism. Sadly, facing some of life's biggest challenges is a point of peace and calmness for me, right now. Because that's just how life has been. Everything else has settled down a wee bit and I have any mental space whatsoever to deal with anything.

So... everything else has settled down significantly and I have been able to catch my breath. The first couple of weeks of this new state of things, I did not do much at all. & then Labor Day was a huge blessing and I was able to get caught up on some house chores. Last weekend, Saturday was dealing with very heavy family stuff. Sunday was collapsing due to mental and emotional exhaustion. But I still had Monday, and Monday ended up being quite productive. I have chores that haven't been done for YEARS at this point. So I started to tackle some of those.

I guess this gave me some good momentum. I am hitting the house chores hard this weekend. I think there is largely a feeling of, "it's now or never".

I think 16yo getting driver's license is a huge reason for this shift and a little calmness in my life. If I had to drive him everywhere he needs to be, last weekend would have been insane. MH and I actually left the kids two weekends - two weekend in a row? - to go take care of our parents. This is just something we couldn't do before, not with 16yo sports schedule. & we wouldn't have left our kids to go out of town. In this situation, maybe, but it's easier to do with a self-sufficient driver and both kids being high school age.

I am mostly of the, "I should be working and digging out, I should NOT be blogging" mode. Except it's a weekend morning, everyone is asleep, and this is usually my quiet/brain dump time. But I could probably work on some minutiae posting, going forward. I know I just also feel buried on the blog front, as with everything else. I completely give up and I realize this blog is probably going to just be a black hole void for most of 2018/2019. I really wish I could share more of what has happened, but there's just not enough hours in the day. I've not had time to process most of it, much less blog about it (which does help me process). It is what it is. A side effect of that is having no idea where to begin, as I try to jump back in.

I am already being thrown head first into the next chapter of my life. I feel like I've barely started this chapter. But the next chapter is taking on more of the parental role with my parents. Both my parents are not doing well. I think it's a little bit, "The calm before the storm." The storm has already started and has been pretty nasty at times. But I guess the best analogy I have is that I am in storm prep mode and just trying to get my life in order and take a few deep breaths so I can deal with this whatsoever.

It's been a shift in our relationship, for a while now. I remember very distinctly feeling that I worried more about my mother (the way a parent worries about a child) more than I worry about my own kids any more. This was about a year ago, in regards to my mom's physical health. I couldn't remember the exact moment, because that was just one drop in the ocean of insanity last year. But I did see in my blog that I mentioned worrying about her after she had a fall, and then my dad jetted off somewhere. That was probably it. & it seems very small right now, compared to current medical issues both my parents are having. So I am being tossed into that caregiver role in a way I hadn't really anticipated, certainly not *right now*, particularly with married/living parents.

I don't really have any answers or clarity, but will try to blog when I do. Unless I am taking care of my parents 100 miles away. You might understand why this might just fall in the black hole void.

6 Responses to “Coming up for Air”

  1. Carol Says:

    I agree that it is a hard time of life when you need to take care of your parents. I remember how torn we were with one widowed mom 90 miles away and the other 75 miles away in the opposite direction, each needing help. You just do the best you can and forgive yourself that you can't make them young and healthy again.
    My brother (across the country, but still helpful) said we would just take it one decision (one problem) at a time, and I still treasure that advice.
    Sending you best wishes for strength and luck with whatever you need to deal with.

  2. rob62521 Says:

    It is difficult when you have parental care to deal with as well as kids. They call it the sandwich generation and they aren't kidding. If blogging helps you, even just too vent. don't discount it when you can make time.

    Hang in there. Sounds like you are keeping things afloat which is something amongst all the angst with which you are dealing.

  3. My English Castle Says:

    That multiple caregiver period of life is so draining. I hope you can find time for some self care--sometimes it's the only respite there is.

  4. creditcardfree Says:

    Oh no! Not a fun place for you or your parents to be in. Don't forget to take care of you in the midst of the busyness.

  5. Lucky Robin Says:

    It is a stressful place to be, that is for sure. I am there right now with both Mom and MIL but we live with Mom and MIL is only 12 miles away, which makes it easier in so many ways. I think a lot of us are going through this sort of stuff, so there is support here for you when you do manage to blog. Blogging may help you figure stuff out and destress, but don't let it also become something that stresses you more. Sometimes during this stuff we just have to hold onto the life raft and worry about keeping afloat and nothing more and that is okay. Put your mask on first and then help those around you.

  6. MonkeyMama Says:

    Thanks everyone, for the support and kind words.

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