Happy New Year everyone!

I updated my goals in my sidebar. Nothing really new or haven't already blogged about, so will leave it at that.

2011 was a GREAT YEAR! I wasn't so sure as it started out on a bad note with a cancer scare and thyroid surgery. But beyond my surgery in very early January 2011, everything from there on was "Better than Expected." We braced ourselves for another financial hit from surgery, and I pretty much felt 100% from the second I woke up from surgery!

Anyway, beyond all that, we made a killing in credit card rewards this year, so the common theme in 2011 seems to be, "That was way better than I expected!"

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I am feeling extremely "meh" on the 2012 goal thing this year. Far more than usual. (I am usually pretty crabby about the idea there is anything magical about January 1 - I am more likely to make goals ANY time of year, when it makes sense). But, I usually play a long a wee bit more and don't mind taking the time to think about the upcoming year and what I want to accomplish.

I think a lot of it is that I just feel kind of in limbo. We have probably been in limbo for a little while, but it is very apparent as the year ends.

I have no idea what is going to happen to my job when my boss retires. Worse, everyone else I know in my field works a bajillion hours a week. I know that if I can't stay at current job (if he doesn't sell business or if I don't like new owner) that I would ideally like to seek our part-time and/or temp work. I don't mind working a bajillion hours a week for a short time to get somewhere. I certainly have before, but I refuse to live my life like that for the long run. I'd rather be a temp, honestly. Most part-timers I know in the industry work practically full-time anyway, so that wouldn't be a huge jump, if I got a job without enough hours. As a sole breadwinner though, it would have to be enough hours. Maybe I will work a bajillion hours until dh gets a job too. I was hoping he would be working so I could do the temp, part-time thing (which I don't expect would frankly pay a lot less, but would be a little less uncertain is all).

Dh is in limbo because he frankly has no clearer path today than he did 10 years ago. BUT, for today there is no pressing need for a second income, and I am sure I can find a good job if I tried. I have had several wonderful full-time jobs and though I know they are harder to find and I will have to prove myself all over again, I am sure there are other employers like my boss (& the prior one I had) out there who are AWESOME! Frankly I'd like to say I researched and took my time, but I generally just fell into each and every job. I do believe in trusting my gut though. I turned down several jobs when I took this one - AND the last one - the writing was on the wall when it came to work/life balance. & no one tells you "I don't expect you to work a ton of hours," if they don't mean it.

Anyway, back to dh. We had a REALLY great year financially so it is hard to nag him on the job front. I also wonder from a discrimination standpoint if it would be easier for ME to find a part-time job to pick up some slack. He has certainly faced some serious discrimination and brick walls looking for the lowliest of part-time jobs. Meanwhile, several of my female mom friends seem to have no problem getting the same kind of work. I think working full-time, and being educated, is also a huge strike against ME, but am considering some part-time extra work in the summer to save up reserves for future job uncertainty. Nothing I would have bothered with small kids, but with them getting older I feel like I have infinite amounts of time that I didn't have a few years back. I always do good with a busy schedule, so I do not mind AT ALL. Dh's ego minds. IS the only problem. That and I can't take a very open job as preserving my first job is priority #1. I can't have my clients seeing me work at Target, or being a waitress.

Anyway, dh and I were talking about it yesterday. & I kind of realized some of the problem. He is working on some video/movie projects right now, and I give him that. But he was like, "well, summer isn't good because kids are home, and tax season sucks, I should really hit the pavement next August and find a job."

Ugh! August is fine from "I am in the middle of working on my DREAM" standpoint. But I feel like we had the same conversation last year. It will NEVER be a good time to get a second job. But down the road could certainly be a WORSE time if I have to prove myself to a new employer. Right now my schedule is extraordinarily flexible and I am sure we can make it work. SO, I am kind of stuck between trying to be respectful of dh's dreams and goals, while wondering if we are going to have the same conversation next year. I think I will probably leave it that I won't bring it up again until August, but then that is it. Tax season, summer, who cares?!?

Dh's mom was a teacher so though he was a latch key kid, probably at our kids' ages, his mom was ALWAYS home for summer, and he really struggles with that. I can't say I am much better - my mom never worked. BUT, summer break is only 2 months here, and they can spend some of that time at school daycare with their friends, some time spending the summer with family members (they could play merry go round at Grandma, Grandma, Great-Grandma, and two aunt's houses - they would LOVE it and I wouldn't worry about them - during the week. They did that during dh's surgery and still ask when they get to go stay with family again - they thought it was just a PARTY - would only be a couple of weeks out of the year). We have so many options. & I could always arrange my work schedule to pick them up every day after school, when school is in session, which is why I am not so worried about it. I had to remind dh that my work schedule is not set in stone and this is all pretty workable.

Of course, I always thought it was ridiculous to worry about dh starting his career over at 35 - I went to college with several people who were starting their careers at that age! But I do feel somewhat of a clock ticking - he turns 36 this month. Though financially we could probably be very fine waiting another few years to subject kids to the daycare merry go round, I am just not sure it really matters that much at this point or is worth pushing off dh's career start until 40+.

Dh and I agreed one of us should stay home with the kids *a few years* but boy *this* is not what I signed up for! But I totally relate to the mixed feelings after the luxury of not having to worry about ANY daycare for about 9 years.

So anyway, I come from a place of setting some very fierce goals, accomplishing them quickly, and enjoying the fruit of all that hard work. Then we kind of sat back and relaxed the last 9 years or so since I got pregnant with our first child. I think it just really hit me when we had our 10-year anniversary of our low-cost-of-living move, a couple of weeks back. Dh told me, "Guess I have been out of work about 10 years too." Slowing down to have kids has been the best thing we ever have done, no doubt. But it's been 10 years, and I feel antsy. & I don't really know what the future looks like. We've always planned everything out so much. I suppose I also come from a point of knowing that working really hard for the next 2 years or so can REALLY pay off for the 10 years that follow that. I Feel like it was really so little we did do to get to that point 10 years ago. But the economy sucks and I am watching our parents unable to find any work, and so all that just makes me feel anxious!!

Of course, to be clear, very part-time, side work (dh does well working nights, too), etc. is fine, but there just seems to be no jobs. I don't know if dh will find anything without diving head first back into school and/or career, and how much patience he has to be turned down for all that crap work anyway. He hasn't been given a chance for the same jobs he easily picked up in college - VERY frustrating. & he hasn't looked very seriously since about 2005. Meaning, I know it's only WORSE now - a LOT worse. But he has applied for a few jobs this year, even so - nothing has panned out.

It's not the first time I ever felt like this - not sure what our future holds. It's just been a LONG TIME. We have made our lives so steady and grounded for so long, it's hard to face change! I am sure it will all come together, for now I just have no idea how! I am revisiting feelings I haven't had since graduating college or getting engaged and deciding to get married, etc. When you just not sure what is best! We haven't made a lot of life decisions since moving here 10 years ago.