Just a 46-year-old mom of 2 in Northern California. My kids are Monkey Monkey(MM) and Drama Llama (DL). I am married to Monkey Hubby (MH). Since I can't comment on my last blog I had to say this in reply to BA who said: "All my friends from all walks of life have had this belief that jobs equated to self worth." The thing about my husband is he feels that way too. So when he gets dejected from that first job he looked at he retreats in the corner and sulks. That is the part I will NEVER understand. My family is so opposite of that. We brush ourselves off and try try again. Anything is possible.
I just had to say he does take care of me and does so much for me non-financially so I don't want to be too 1-sided. But when I am frustrated of course that is the only side I see or need to rant about. But yeah he told me if I wanted to quit or cut my hours he would support me. But Fern guessed right, I am too cautious to do anything like that until he gets a job, and I know I will have a LONG wait.
I was pondering this today though because like I said it is important for me not to raise my sons the same way. Mommy always took care of him so though he has a good work ethic, and once he lands a job he could be a great asset. We actually met working together and I Really admired him because he became management right away. He is no lazy slob. But he just has no skills whatsoever in how to get a job. & you are right he hasn't had to learn. Mommy took care of him until I did. He never had to take care of himself. I cringe because MIL is very take-charge, and frankly if I am honest with myself, MUCH like me. (We really butt heads as such since we're so alike). Then again my parents always expected me to take care of myself, and I plan to raise my boys the same. I don't want to be caring for them like they are still babies, when they are 20... So there is hope for them. Somehow I turned out more like my dad than my mom...
The thing is it is what I signed up for and what I wanted. It bugged me he was persuing a career he hated because his "mommy wanted him to" so all I have been telling him for the last decade is quit working. LOL. Now he quits working and I am bugging him the other way I guess. He probably feels like he can't win.
I was pondering this too today because my parents are much the same, genders reversed. My mom just could not take care of herself. But my dad has always taken good care of her. But she provides so much to him by keeping up the house and such so he doesn't have to worry about the mundane things so much. It goes much the same with my spouse. I could go on and on all day for all the things he does for me. I mean I don't remember the last time I had to go grocery shopping or cook a meal. & I do LOVE that. He does all the laundry and takes such wonderful care of the kids. So I have to defend him a little bit lest I paint him to be a lazy slob or anything. I am the one more likely to come home from work beaten down and tired and go lay on the couch all evening, go to bed early, and ask him to get the kids in the middle of the night. & he won't complain about it, most of the time. I could hardly imagine anything worse than being home all day with the kids. I would just go batty and he does that for me. Even though it hurts his pride somewhat that he can not support his family (well he believes he can't).
Well mostly I swear he ain't so bad and truly I enjoy taking care of him 99% of the time. I think things will change a lot in the next year. I think if we are still going round and round on this when the kids are in school, then we'll have issues. But he is really limited on what he can do right now with my work schedule. Hopefully he finds it easier to step up to the plate more when he has more free time during the week. He may be able to do some temp work or substitute teaching. Stuff he can't do without the money, and even less so the inclination, to put LM in daycare, today. I can hang in another year and see. I am not going to give up hope or anything. If he never works another day in his life, then I may have some issues though. For now it is rather complicated. Of course the only thing worse than him never working again is settling for some crap job he hates. So we may just go round and round on this forever. He still really hasn't gotten the courage to put himself out there and do what he truly wants to do. & that may just frustrate me forever. I am not sure what more I can do. Have tried pushing him, supporting him, leaving him alone to do his own thing because the last thing he needs is another "mom." Nothing seems to make much difference. HE was working on that movie and I was happy for him, but things seem to have fizzled, that whole waiting for stuff to fall in his lap thing because maybe this one isn't working out.
Update on dh rant...
July 27th, 2007 at 09:21 pm
July 27th, 2007 at 10:46 pm 1185576411
For example, I have a female friend who is about to be a supervisor at the District Attorney's office. She makes good money... but she doesn't seem to care because the LONG hours are taking a toll on her. They just bought a house though, so she says she's going to tough it out for a while longer.
Her hubby is an electrician though... but comparatively doesn't make much more than I do when you balance it out with cost of living. And when he gets home, he basically comes home and plays video games. I admit it's pretty handy to be an electrician though but... not exactly the most motivated indivdual I know.
I have another male friend whose wife is a senior financial analyst for a well-known billion dollar company. Her hubby (my friend) is currently a stay-at-home dad, but is contemplating becoming a police officer... which even if he succeeds isn't huge money but....
Then there's this guy I know well. Me.
In all of these examples, it has been quite an interesting flip-flop in terms of stereotypical bread-winning. On top of that, I love video editing and creative technology stuff, so I think I can truly relate to your husband.
Oh, but let me also qualify that in all of these instances (except mine
But here, I think, is where the similarity ends. Unlike all of these other examples, I've been thrown back in the water so to speak. I now know only too well that I have to fend for myself, and I'm fine with that. Anything is better than going through that hellish divorce again... but I digress.
So, if I ever had to impart some kind of advice about this sort of situation, I would probably suggest something along the lines of "tough love". By that, I mean to simply cut off a major portion of superfluous funding. Doesn't mean you have to love them less or make them sleep on the couch every night. No, just if they want another gadget, they can't get the money for it until they find a way to fund it. Maybe they can get a job. Maybe they can do "chores" by giving you more back massages. I don't know.
But I also realize that my way is also a bit controversial, and it's been covered in the forums. Hehe, silly me. I didn't come here to tell you how to run your family. Sorry. I guess I was just trying to say how much that hits home, and how much I can relate.
July 28th, 2007 at 03:29 pm 1185636578
Interestingly I Was talking to him on speaker phone last night at work while washing up some dishes (I have a habit of stacking them in my office because I am busy) and we were discussing an MP3 player he wanted to get and how I actually talked him into getting something more than the cheapest thing he could find (quality). I said - well who cares - it's coming out of your allowance so it's not a biggie. & he started to argue with me. With all this going on I was just LIVID. We ended the call so I could leave work but I called him back from the car when he told me he was just kidding. I just didn't pick it up over the speaker phone. I told him just not to go there with me. Not a good thing to joke about right now. Gah.
I noticed that in college though that particularly in accounting the women seemed much more motivated. (Not so many men in accounting anyway) but I wondered if women were just taught that you have to fight extra hard to make it in the workplace (from their mothers) and the men just got kinda lazy. I don't know. I am sure that is an awful stereotype, but I find it interesting as so may women around here are the same - the breadwinners. I ponder why. I think the women feel they do have to work harder for it. As for my family I am not sure my parents would have expected any less or more from me if I was male. But who knows.
July 28th, 2007 at 04:20 pm 1185639624
Sorry for stereotyping. Overall, I think that women are more academically motivated anyway, but many fields still appear to be male-dominated for some reason. You know what I mean? It's strange.
I do think that the roles flip-flopping is an interesting social phenomenon. This discussion kind of opens up all kinds of interesting topics to talk about.... But overall, it's a good thing I think.
Well, I hope that things will continue to work out between you and hubby. I think it'll be fine, seeing as how you guys are arguing er working it out.
July 29th, 2007 at 02:25 pm 1185719155