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Feeling Down

November 25th, 2009 at 07:38 am

I suppose my blog will veer off into "life with brain tumor" for a while. Particularly since we haven't told many people yet. Not until we *know* more. I've got to brain dump here!

Oh yes, and thank you so very much for your kid words and thoughts. It all does mean a lot.

Per further research, it's pretty clear that dh will have surgery within 2 months' time. Highly likely. Faces large chance of permanent hearing loss and facial paralysis (on one side).

Yesterday was hard to keep upbeat. Though I did dream it turned out to be cancer. I guess it could be HUGELY worse. At least it's not spreading and cancerous! This is what I have to think of to remain upbeat, I suppose.

Mortality rate for surgery is less than 1%. The fear comes from the permanent damage, and the intensity of it all. Brain surgery recovery will be long and difficult.

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Dh is the one you want around when someone is sick or in the hospital. He just knows what to do and say. I wish I could say the same for the rest of us. He deserves the same in return. The rest of us are not so good with the whole thing. He's already frustrated with me and his family. Boy, it's going to be a LONG few months.

Though I personally dread the hub bub of Thanksgiving, with all this going on, he looks forward to it. Hopefully his family will be comforting.

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I haven't thought too much of the logistics if he does have surgery. One thing at a time, I guess. I can't let that crash around me yet. BM would be thrilled to go to before and after school care (he is always begging to stay) and LM could live with relatives, at face value. Has its pros and cons, but probably beats thrusting him into daycare. He is not nearly as social as BM and not so into the whole daycare thing. (BM thrived with it, which is why he so wants to be in daycare even still).

The practical side of me thinks I should sign up BM for the school care, ASAP. They have drop-in care, which is expensive considering LM can't go. (Then they both cost $10/hour, as opposed to $12 for the two of them, other places). BUT, with all these doctor appointments and such, would be useful and needed. My mom mentioned neighbors for help. Neighbors are no help. All of our close friends and neighbors work full-time! Makes them rather useless in times like these. (You could argue they have evenings and weekends - but the people we know can barely function in their own lives, much less help other people out). We will have to rely on family 2 hours away, and paid care. I *so* wish Ms. Preschool was still here. I need her back!!!! I just can't fret about all this at this point - I know it will work out.

The thoughts did start to creep in my mind that it will be quite expensive with daycare considerations, and someone like me having to take care of careful meal planning and shopping. I haven't perfected that art, like dh. Though I suppose it is nice that he does not have a job to worry about, the fact is he saves us a lot of money being home, and him being out of commission will display just how expensive it will be to not have him performing his duties.

These thoughts are on the peripheral of my mind, but it's all too much to worry about at this point.

Of course, if dh had the decency to be diagnosed in the spring, I could have taken a couple of months off with state "paid family leave." As is, we can time the surgery so that I can take a few days off, but that's all I can really spare. My employer is very flexible and will work with me. BUT, we simply don't have enough staff to get the work done. BUSY season begins in just a couple of weeks. That stress is a bit much. I'd probably lose my mind thinking about it, and stressing about the whole thing, but I know our family can step in and take care of dh and the kids. Thank goodness!!!!!!!!!! I can't imagine where we would be without their support. If my boss gave me his blessing, I would be home worried about work, or just slammed beyond oblivion upon my return. Between now and May, I just can't do it all. & I need my job to pay these bills!

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Today I have to set it all aside.

I haven't done a thing to get ready for T-Day!!!!!! Thankfully, dh is taking care of most of the food. Today will have to clean house. We will probably feel less obligated to get the house sparkling. People will understand.

We have been eating out a lot this week. Dh had the meals planned, but no one felt like cooking the other night. Which threw everything off. I just noticed no one put the food away last night. Usually dh is - wasted food sitting out. Ugh. (I hope dh pulls himself together a bit!) Today we figured we'd eat out. Something cheap like Taco Bell. No room for leftovers in the fridge - it's jam packed with turkey and such.

I think today and tomorrow will be filled with distractions. I've got to think about other things. Nothing else I can really do at this point.

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I do hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

For us, we still have tons to be thankful for. Food, shelter, health, family, etc., etc.

12 Responses to “Feeling Down”

  1. creditcardfree Says:

    ((Hugs)) It is good to have your blogger friends to dump on. We'll listen/read to anything you have to say. It's the least we can do. If we could do more than pray and read, we would!!

    I hope you can find the joy in the holiday.

    One thought I have for you: exercise. It helps keep the stress levels down and the mind from racing in so many directions. It has helped me in the last couple months as my husband gets ready to work overseas.

  2. momcents Says:


    I thought about you all day yesterday, and I was looking for your next post. It will all work out - the logistics that you are speaking of (childcare and meal planning, etc). Just be with your family and enjoy them (as quirky as they can/will be). You will feel down, you will feel upbeat. I'm sure there will be no sense to the ebb and flow of emotions. Sending you peace through the cyberwaves ...

  3. Analise Says:

    The emotions you are feeling are very understandable. You are a strong and capable wife and mother and you will get through this. You have many praying for you and I believe in the power of prayer and positive thought. Happy Thanksgiving!

  4. dmontngrey Says:

    Your thoughts sound very normal to me. I can't imagine what you're facing right now. One step at a time is all you can do. Dump here! What else is your blog for but to talk about what's going on in your life? You're a wonderful contributor here and you're going through a rough patch right now. Ok to talk about it, especially if you can't let anyone else in on it right now. Take care and have a Happy Thanksgiving! You sure do have a lot to be thankful for right now. Smile

  5. John DeFlumeri jr Says:

    Monkey Mama, it's all on you to hold the family together. You can do it, I have a lot of experience with household tragedy, so I know.
    You're in my prayers. Have peace.

    John DeFlumeri Jr

  6. Broken Arrow Says:

    That's what blogs are here for, don't you think? At least I hope so because I've dumped more than my share online. Big Grin

    I think my heart sank when I read the part about possible permanent hearing loss and facial paralysis. Not that it would be the end of the world, even if that were to happen, but I guess I was hoping that it wouldn't be anything serious, especially since it was benign.

    All the more reason to cherish the days that we have while we still have it. I hope you have a happy turkey day.

  7. fern Says:

    I was so startled to read your post. I saw just the title, and I said to myself, that's so unlike MonkeyMama to be down, whatever could be wrong?

    I did not read your earlier post(s) on the subject.

    I am so sorry to hear your news, but you are holding up well and I know you are strong.

  8. zetta Says:

    What a shock! My heart goes out to you during this stressful time. It sounds like you will have some time to figure out all the arrangements, so try to take things one step at a time. When folks ask what they can do to help, tell them a meal you can stick in the freezer or gift certificates for a place like Dinner Studio would be very welcome -- it's easy for them to fit into their crazy schedules and would ease the cooking and meal planning for you.

  9. frugaltexan Says:

    ((((monkey mama))). I was away for a few days from the blogs so didn't see the previous post. My heart goes out to you. I wish I was closer so I could help you all out.

    You have a lot of people here pulling for you and praying for you.
    Unload as much as you need to here.

    My mom had a benign brain tumor in 1995. It was very scary, and the reason I came to Texas to finish college.

  10. frugaltexan Says:

    ((((monkey mama))). I was away for a few days from the blogs so didn't see the previous post. My heart goes out to you. I wish I was closer so I could help you all out.

    You have a lot of people here pulling for you and praying for you.
    Unload as much as you need to here.

  11. Waterfall Says:

    Your dh is so lucky to have you and the kids. I'm sure he is just freaking out. God bless you.

  12. Apprentice Bliss Hunter Says:

    So sorry to hear that your DH is unwell... I pray that he will come through the surgery ok and make a full recovery !! My best friend's brother had a brain tumour and made a full recovery.

    The only side effect he has is that he doesn't grow a beard on a certain part of his chin !!

    I pray your DH will make the same recovery !!

    Love from Ireland

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